The secret is out

Want the secret to a longer life… just like Vice President Dick “Dead Eye” Cheney?

Diet Caffeine-Free Sprite (there’s a manly drink for ya), Caffeine-free coffee (I mean really, what’s the friggin’ point of caffeine-free coffee?), Perrier water (though this is only if Mrs. Cheney is traveling with him – and really, how often does that happen anymore?) and Fox “News”.

I guess the latter is so you can keep tabs on any new investigations of GOP party-members (btw, don’t you just love that Duke Cunningham is getting into more trouble while awaiting his prison term? Makes me smile a little), your party’s attempt to create a ‘civil’ debate about immigration (the words ‘civil’ and 'debate' coming from the mouth of a Republican makes me laugh) or a columnist from Bush-Media Whore the Washington Post going against the grain and perfectly matching-up the “President’s” press conference rhetoric on Katrina relief with reality (must read the article… must read the article… must read the article…trust me, it’ll make ya think... and quite possibly make your head explode as well)

You, yes, even you; with your extra pounds, love of fried-foods, addiction to caffeine, and unwillingness to throw away the Constitution can live a long and healt- (wait, how many heart attacks has he had?) life just like ‘Dead Eye’ Cheney.

Seems whenever the VP has to stay somewhere he has a longer list of demands than Brittany Spears (who reportedly wants absolutely no music made or performed by her husband to be played) or Tom Cruise (no questions about Scientology or couch-jumping) including all the things listed above, plus a suite with a king- or queen-size bed and a connecting parlor (pleasure cabin perhaps?... or maybe he uses it for attor--, I mean skeet, shooting), and strict orders to the hotel staff that when he arrives, all lights should be turned on, a freshly brewed pot of decaf should be waiting, and the room should be set at 68 degrees, with "all televisions tuned to FOX News.”

And, just so you all know, if the hotel would like to leave a gift in the suite, please let the vice president's office know in advance so they can check it to make sure it’s nothing that will agitate his ticker…