Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Political Backpeddaling: The Year in Rewind - Part 1

2006!? 2006!? I just got used to writing 2005… son of a bi—

(Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean...
alright... I’m okay now; sorry, it’s been one of those years…)

As the end of 2005 has officially come and gone, we at TBWA agree that it is now time to review the past year in the world of politics.

Today, or more specifically tonight, I will bravely delve into the plethora of events that have occurred in the political arena in the months of January through June.

Later this week, my ever-knowing partner-in-political-blogging-crime Scott will sort through the months of July through December.

So sit back, open your eyes and your mind real wide and say: ‘give it to me straight Doc, I can take it.’

Applaud: to the outpouring (pun not intended) of foreign aid to the Tsunami stricken areas in Southeast Asia. So many countries haven’t gotten together to help another in a long, long time. Unfortunately, the world would have that chance again in about 8 months…

Heckle: to Bush's prattling. In his 2nd inaugural address (makes you shudder, doesn’t it?), the “President” says our relations with “every ruler and every nation” will now be based on how they treat their citizens. Uh, ok…

Heckle: ‘Commander Cuckoo-Bananas’ is poised to announce federal appeals court judge Michael Chertoff as the new head of the Department of Homeland Security (new motto: xxx) Media bites have stated that Chertoff “helped craft the early `war on terror' strategy.” That explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Applaud: to Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show” for summarizing the White House's response to any opposition with a simple formula: Sept. 11 + X (X = “whatever we say”) = Shut the f*** up! Succinct, isn’t it?

Heckle: to incompetent & egotistical elitists on the hot seat. Condi Rice got grilled (actually, lightly sautéed is probably a more apt wording) by a Senate panel in January in her quest to replace Colin “I had good intentions once… once” Powell. People expected ‘softballs’ aplenty and that’s what they got. Sample question: “If you could be any kind of tree, what kind would you be?”

Follow-up Heckle: While Condi won Senate approval with a whopping 85-13 margin, Alberto Gonzales was nominated and (in February) won approved to be the U.S. Master Torturer… I mean Attorney General… sorry, easy mistake.

Applaud: to the King of Late Night, Johnny Carson, who succumbed to emphysema at the young age of 79. Never one to miss using a politician, any politician, as the butt of joke, he deserves acknowledge in this rewind. Johhny, you will be missed but never forgotten.

Heckle: to the news that the search for WMD’s in Iraq came to an ‘official’ end and none were found. Well, what can be said that hasn’t already been said?

Applaud: to John Ashcroft. Why an applaud you’re asking, because he’s gone that;s why… In January, Ashcroft bid farewell to his minions and took a walk into the sunset, which he promptly had arrested as an enemy combatant for momentarily blinding him.

Applaud: to Election Day. Despite the ever-present threat of being blown up, more Iraqis ventured to the voting booth than U.S. citizens did on November 2nd. But we had a good reason...it was raining.


Applaud: to backfiring cow dung. A poll from Democracy Corps shows that even when they use the term “personal accounts”, support for the Bush Administration's gutting of Social Security falls faster than Tom Cruise’s career. The sound you hear? That would be Bush’s good fortunes going down the crapper…

Heckle: to President Bush who signed a bill in this month that made it easier for companies to sell dangerous or unhealthy products and thus harder for citizens to file class-action lawsuits if they or a loved one are harmed by these aforementioned dangerous or unhealthy products.

Applaud: White House shill—sorry, “reporter” Jeff Gannon retired after liberal blogs (Like Daily Kos) outed him. Turns out that Jeff Gannon isn’t his only name. He also goes by James Guckert and has been linked to online domain addresses with sexually provocative names. The ‘ick’ factor has risen highly with every given year in this administration.

Heckle: to the news that the new Medicare Prescription Drug Bill was revealed to cost $600 billion more than originally promised. Wow, the Bush administration was wrong about something?? I can’t except that…


Applaud: to justice, served stone cold. Bernard Ebbers, the former head of WorldCom was found guilty on all charges in March. Don’t bend over for the soap Mr. Ebbers… on second thought, that would probably make the people you screwed over happy as elves if you did.

Heckle: to the news that Paul Wolfowitz was being appointed by President Bush to the post of World Bank President. (Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea…)

Heckle: to GOP radicals in Congress when they crossed the line between judicial and legislative branches by playing politics (and God) with Terri Schiavo. Need I say more? I didn’t think so.


Applaud: to Pope John Paul II who died Saturday, April 2nd at the age of 84. While I may not agree with everything he (or the Church) believes and stands for, he was an inspiration to millions. God speed your Holiness…

Heckle or Applaud: not sure, make up your own mind on this one. Prince Charles and Camilla got married and then went on their honeymoon. Ewwwww…

Heckle: to the passing and signing of the bankruptcy law that makes it harder for average Americans to recover from financial misfortune by declaring bankruptcy. The new bill allows no exceptions, even if the individuals are victims of identity theft, suffer from debilitating illness, or are a U.S. service members. (Nice...)

Heckle: to plodding along like a Dubya press conference. The bipartisan heads of the 9/11 Commission say George Bush and his administration are moving too slow in protecting the U.S. from terrorist attacks. They would continue to assault this administrations adoption of their suggestions in December, 2005 as well.


Applaud: to the release of the Downing Street Memo. It was first published in the London Sunday Times and has been a thorn in the administration’s side since… but not as much as some had hoped it would be.

Heckle: Vice President Dick Cheney stated that the Iraq insurgency is in its “Last Throes.” Apparently nobody told the insurgents.

Applaud: to the outing of Woodward and Bernstein informant Deep Throat. Former FBI official W. Mark Felt told a reporter with Vanity Fair that he indeed was the unknown informant that helped bring down the Nixon presidency. (Aside: How has Woodward gone from being a journalist of this moral upbringing, to now being a White House shill?)

Heckle: to Dubya as he had been canvassing the country on a 60-day Social Security tour to drum up support for his radical realignment… but, this leads to an…

Applaud: as his tour ended in May, a new ABC News-Washington Post poll showed that more Americans oppose privatization and that 64 percent of Americans disapproved of Dubya’s handling of Social Security. (It should be noted that this was a 56 percent increase since the tour started back in March. Heh heh heh.)


Applaud: to Texas District Judge Joe Hart who ruled in the month of June that a political action committee (PAC) that was established by House of Representatives Majority Leader Tom DeLay was guilty of failing to report $600,000 in contributions. Should be noted that since 1905, Texas law has clearly prohibited corporate or union donations to political campaigns.

Heckle: to the White House for being caught altering documents. White House officials were caught “working behind the scenes…weakening key sections” of a global warming action proposal before the start of the annual G-8 Meeting in Scotland.

Applaud: Federal Agents raided the home (one of them at least) of Rep. Duke Cunningham, R-CA. What was found? Read this article and find out for yourself. We all know how this one ended.

Applaud: to one of Bush’s fellow Republicans for stating the obvious when he mentioned that the Bush administration is “…losing in Iraq.” Senator Chuck Hagel (R-NE) went on to state that “The White House is completely disconnected from reality.” Well said Senator Hagel, well said.

I know; a lot more happened in the first six months of 2005, but these were some of the things that really stood out.

If I forgot something, please feel free to leave a comment and let us know. Or add your own Applauds and Heckles below, the more the merrier.

Later: July through December.

1 comment:

Scott said...

There is just something very wrong about a guy using the cover name 'Deep Throat'....